I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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