Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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