i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
