I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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