Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
