I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
