I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
