I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
