when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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