The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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