If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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