In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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