I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
