OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
the day after is always just damage control
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
