dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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