ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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