I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
