I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
