organizing the empties. That sober.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
