Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
