I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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