I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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