You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
