sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
