I can't breathe out the right side of my face
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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