i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
