Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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