She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
