Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
