Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
