You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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