im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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