I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
