I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
