mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
