i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
