So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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