i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
