I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
