can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
