I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
