I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
send nudes
from the living room?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
