Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
