I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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