are you still at the devil's house?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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