Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
