you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Life is so much better after having sex.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Randomize
