Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
