You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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