I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I touched a dick in church today
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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