Your mouth is God's brothel.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
